Picking Down Clocks
by Nesma
Summary: Her insomnia started after the attack (but all her friends think it's the stress of Head duties and school). Though, the more popular rumour is that Lily Evans and James Potter are finally together. Jokes upon jokes about sleepless nights but if they knew the truth then maybe those sleepless jokes wouldn't be so funny (how James and Lily joined the order). L/J.


**Title:** Picking Down Clocks  
><strong>Author:<strong> Nesma  
><strong>AN:** Idea inspired by countless sleepless nights. Not sure what else to say but PM me if you want to follow me on tumblr (hint: I'm pretty cool).  
><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> I am not JKR and these characters and this world is not mine.

* * *

><p>It started after the first three weeks of the new term. But if she was being honest, it truly started after the incident.<p>

It was a Thursday night and Lily had told the sniffling prefect to get some rest (poor girl had a nasty cold). Lily only had one more floor to do. There was no need to have someone else with her. And as cliché as it sounds, it happened in a flash.

She found some older students, 7th years at least. Their faces were hard to decipher in the dark, but Lily's eyes were more drawn to their forearms that had the Dark Mark on them. Then, there were curses and hexes and jinxes thrown. Lily may be one of the top students, but her petty curses were absolutely useless against _crucios _and _stupefies. _

Once she felt the first crucio curse hit her, she tried in vain to hold on to the thought that if the pain became too much, if it was too much for her body to handle that she'd pass out.

She never knew if it was the stupefy curse or the pain that knocked her out.

* * *

><p>She woke up the next day in the hospital wing very early in the morning. James was slumped in a chair next to her and she couldn't help but wonder why none of her other friends were there.<p>

It was only until Professor Dumbledore showed up and explained to her the situation that she realized that her friends could never know. Confidentiality and such in regards. James was only allowed in because he had to write about the accident in an incident report which was sent directly to Professor Dumbledore and not Professor McGonagall.

Lily simply stared down at the sheets as James held to her hand as he told her the story. His very anger and frustration pulsed through his hand but Lily couldn't absorb it. She was numb, she was glad that she could breathe and that it didn't feel like someone was peeling her skin off in huge chunks or someone was sitting on her chest making her lungs feel useless. She was glad that she could feel something other than pain; even if it was nothing at all.

She asked James if she would have to see them again and he shook his head roughly. With tight lips he told her that, _officially_, the boys were transferring to another school. Something to do with the fact that the parents didn't agree with Dumbledore's philosophy.

Lily nodded and bit her lip. She supposed that made her happy. That she would never have to see them again (she'll see them in a year's time in a muggle field). She just let out rattling breaths while James gave her that concerned look.

She went back to sleep shortly afterwards. Only waking up when James was prodding for her to eat. He hardly left her side.

* * *

><p>Before she was released from the hospital, Professor Dumbledore came down again to tell her about the privacy rules and such. She supposed that she had a frown on her face the entire time because at the very end, Professor Dumbledore looked down at the floor and in a quiet, almost sad voice told her, "I wish this wasn't the case Ms. Evans. But Hogwarts is still bound by the Ministry of Magic and their rules of confidentiality… especially in cases when the student is a child of a wizard on the board of education."<p>

And Lily nodded again and said she understood because that was what she was supposed to do. And might as well leave the anger to James who did it much better than she did. He simply left the room and two minutes later, there was lots of clanking of pots and chairs being thrown while Madam Pompfrey yelled at him to clean up.

She didn't know how to explain to Dumbledore that she wanted everyone yet no one to know what happened. How she felt utterly humiliated by the fact that these _boys _used the magic in her veins against her. As if she was robbed of the innocence of magic. How she felt let down by her body because she was unable to reach her wand in time or to use spells against them or to even scream loud enough for help. She felt like the boys took something from her, her courage or voice or _something _and they couldn't even be bothered to return it because it was so _pathetic. _She didn't want everyone to know about her humiliation and her inability.

But she wanted everyone to know what these boys, these _Death Eaters, _were capable of. People had to be careful. They have to watch their back and stay alert. But she had no idea how to spread the idea without compromising herself.

So she nodded and tried very hard not to lose control of her breathing when Dumbledore left the room. She felt a battle in her head and in her veins, her thoughts were trying to control her. The ones that told her it was her fault. _(It was your fault. How could you let something like this happen? Aren't you Head Girl? Aren't you smart?)_

* * *

><p>Lily told all her friends that she had a nasty bout of the flu. Two days in the hospital and she was good to go through! Don't worry about me, insert some fake smile, I'm fine. Honestly, it's not like I was dying or anything! Anyways, any fun gossip I've missed out?<p>

Turns out that the transfer was a big news, enough to talk about but not enough to spend five minutes on. Lily hoped she nailed the 'surprised' look alright when they told her.

* * *

><p>Originally, she tried sleeping in the dorm room at night. She'd go to bed along with everyone else and tossed and turned every night. She tried to count sheep and stars but the numbers never bored her to sleep. She tried light reading and it only made her mind work faster.<p>

She refused to make some sleeping droughts in case they went wrong. Besides, it was just a phase that would end soon.

But weeks went by and she felt stupid when it was 3 AM and no one was awake but her.

It's a horrid feeling. Being the only person awake at such an hour makes you feel different from others._ (You failed at trying to sleep. What else will you fail at?)_. With her friends, she'd focus on the silly dramas and the snogs. She'd focus on her lessons and homework and such. But at these late nights, she only had her thoughts_ (they are trying to strangle her)_. And she was _petrified _at who she was _(weak, slow, silly, mudblood)_.

She always fell asleep at 4 AM or 5 AM on bad nights and woke up at 8 AM, late for those early morning classes. She was always able to snag a nap for two hours during the day in the room. She was _fine_. _(You're barely surviving)_.

It was only after a month that she realized that she spent more time in the Common Room and Head's Office awake in the early hours in the morning did she start to think something was off. _(Obviously, how could you not? How daft are you?)._

* * *

><p>"You're late <em>again <em>Mr. Potter." Professor Slughorn yelled across the bustling potions room as James tried to sneak to the back row. And just like every student, Lily turned around to see James shoving his hand in his hair and ruffling it.

"Sorry Professor. Overslept my alarm." He muttered before whispering something to Sirius.

Lily was sure that Professor Slughorn said something else on the matter but she was already focusing on the next line of the potion recipe. It didn't help that she had a complete moron for the assignment. A Ravenclaw named Elise.

"_Merlin, _did you see his hand?" Elise whispered under her breath, looking quickly over her shoulder.

"No." Lily replied curtly, trying to keep count of the stirrings.

"It's all bandaged and bloody and such." Elise whispered again, sneaking _another _look to the boy. At the end of her count, Lily took a quick look.

James' hands weren't bloody. The bandaged looked old and worn and if she could squint hard enough she could tell that there was some bruises that were blossoming from underneath the bandages.

"He's a quidditch player. I'm sure he had a nasty run in with the bludger or something." Lily whispered back, turning her head to back to the potion.

"Still though, don't you think it's weird? Plus he looks exhausted-"

"I think it's weird that our potion is turning a different colour a few steps too early." Lily mumbled and Else's attention was back to the potion (not realizing that the potion was changing colours at the right step).

* * *

><p>Occasionally, James came by the Head's Office late at night and early mornings. Most of the time, it was to do work for a half an hour before dashing off. Other times, he came in wore out and tired.<p>

At first Lily assumed that it was him working out late into the evenings and mornings. While James was usually clever enough to hide some things from Lily, his attention to detail was never outstanding.

There were times when he rolled up his sleeves while working and Lily would see bruises and cuts. She'd pretend not to see them and then hear James distinctly roll them down ("chilly, isn't?"). Sometimes, he acted confused. Sometimes, he just fell asleep at the desk.

At which point, Lily would levitate him to the couch and tuck him in with her blanket. It was as much as she could handle with taking care of him.

And that made things almost worse. She didn't know about his involvement that night. They hardly talked unless necessary. Sometimes, they'd joke around like it was before but his laughter always sounded forced and Lily could tell that her smile didn't reach her eyes. And Lily _hated _that her strength and her resolve were suddenly gone.

Sometimes, she thought of the Lily before and the Lily after. Before all this mess, she'd be able to confront James _exactly _what was going on. Now she could hardly stare his injuries without wanting to look away. Lily before would rustle him out of his funk but now all she could was just survive.

She was barely strong enough for herself, let alone for the both of them.

* * *

><p>It was midnight in the Head's Office room and Lily couldn't even feel a yawn in her as she stared down on the book in front of her. It wasn't particularly exciting but she would have found it boring otherwise. But her eyes were weary and she felt as if a headache was coming on… the early signs of a dull pounding.<p>

Just as she was about to take some muggle medications, the door opened with a bang and James Potter strutted towards her with his bag, something silvery draped over the bag, and old piece of parchment in his hand.

"Here for the History of Magic essay?" Lily asked, leaning back on her chair and cocking on her head to the side as James gave a laugh.

"That essay is due in _twelve _hours" His tone suggested that the essay was due in weeks' time instead of mere hours. "Nah, I'm here to see if you want to go out."

"Out?" Lily asked doubtfully, eyeing his bag.

James let out a sigh and let the bag slide out and slam to the floor. He pulled out a chair and plopped himself on it before running a hand through his hair, a tell tale sign that something was up.

"Marlene and them… are under the impression that the reason why you're not sleeping is because you're having a wild love affair with me." James mumbled, his cheeks turning a faint pink as Lily's quill dropped from her hand as her eyebrows went up.

"What?! Why on _earth _would they think that?" Lily stammered out as James raised his head a bit, shrugging his shoulders slightly.

"Probably has to do with the fact that you're not sleeping in the dormitory… or sleeping at all." And this was Lily's turn to quickly cross her arms and stare down at her notes as James continued talking, "Unfortunately, I too have been ducking out of the dormitory and when Marlene talked to Padfoot… they came up with this wild theory." James said sheepishly, as Lily continued to stare at the words in front of her.

"I'm getting enough sleep-"

"The light was still on at _4 AM _yesterday when I walked by-"

"I fall asleep with the light on now. A lot." Lily murmured, her cheeks flaming. "Besides." Lifting her gaze to stare at James, "What were you doing up at 4 AM?"

James gave her a tight smile. "I've been feeling restless. Hard time falling asleep and all that, so I take walks. Ease my mind. And tonight… you're coming with me."

"To walk around the castle?"

James shook his head, pouting his lips a bit. "No, no. I figured… we could use a really good butterbeer. Maybe some chocolate, but a good butterbeer at the very least."

Lily laughed. "And how are we going to get to Hogsmeade?"

And James gave that brilliant smile that reached his eyes, "Magic."

* * *

><p>After much convincing, one almost run in with Mr. Filch, and James tripping twice in the tunnel, they made it into Hogsmeade with no trouble at all.<p>

Except this wasn't the Hogsmeade that Lily was used too when they stepped into the cobbled streets.

It wasn't full with gossiping students. It didn't have the energy, the buzz it did when Hogwarts came down. No, nearly every single window had their light out and the only few places that were still open were the pubs. The sky winked down on them but Lily felt her stomach clench as she felt the shadows breathe down her neck.

"You sure this was a good idea?" She whispered to James as he strolled on over to the Three Broomsticks, clearly he's done this before, as he gave an affirmative nod while pushing open the doors.

The place wasn't bustling, so Rosmerta was quick to spot the two of them. "James! What on _Earth _are you doing this late on a school night-"

"Relax, I just wanted to get a butterbeer with Lily, we'll be out of your hair shortly." And this must have happened multiple times since Rosmerta disappeared behind the counter. James jerked his head to the side and Lily followed him to a booth. It wasn't very long until Rosmerta placed two butterbeers on the table, giving James a warning look as she left.

"I take it she doesn't approve?" Lily asked, fiddling with the bottle between her hands as James gave a small snort.

"Nah. I mean, well, before when you-know-who wasn't as strong… she didn't mind that a couple of fourteen year olds were sneaking in and giving her a hard time… begging her for firewhiskey. But, now, with all the aurors going undercover in Hogsmeade… well, she worries for us. Thinks we're going to get ourselves killed one day." James said, with a smile on his lips as he took a gulp from the bottle. Lily hadn't even taken a sip from hers.

"So, do you come here when you're feeling restless?" Lily asked softly, tearing her eyes away from the table to face James. He shook his head, his hair falling across his forehead slightly.

"Nah. I just walk around the castle. I try to fly extra or take up extra patrols when I feel like I'm going to have some sleepless nights but… I'm starting to realize that it's not something I have a whole lot of control over." He said quietly and Lily just nodded her head grimly. "Though, I from what I'm hearing, I'm no where near as bad as you."

Lily slumped back on the chair and shrugged her shoulders, turning to look at the battered wall where the paint was slightly aging. James gave out a sigh.

"Okay then, well, when was the last time you got a full nights sleep?" James asked gently and even though Lily could tell that he was trying to be nice, trying to understand, trying to emphasize… it felt like nothing to her. She wondered if the boys took all the soft and caring edges in her and threw them way _(like she had much anyways to begin with)_.

"It doesn't, I mean, I don't work like that anymore." Lily mumbled, taking a sip of the drink. "I just… usually, I stay up late and get a few hours here and there. And then, after a week or two, I just _crash _I sleep for over ten hours straight. I go to bed at 7 PM and wake up at midnight and sneak back to the dorm or something and sleep until 8 AM." Lily rambled, running her own hand through her hair as she started at the rim of her bottle. Her eyes feeling watery and her head was starting to kick it up with the headache.

"I honestly haven't slept like a normal person for a while now." She said, and she knew that James knew that she meant ever since _that _night and not some general time frame. Not like how her friends understood.

"Same." He said in a half whisper and Lily lifted her head to star at his muffled hair as he kept tracing whimsical designs on the table, his eyes focused on whatever his doodles were.

And that's when Lily felt her stomach clench again as she suddenly tighten her grip on the butterbeer. The pit, the fear that just seemed to be _her _now had no idea what James was afraid of when he went to bed. She had been terrified to ask_ (not a real Gryffindor now are you?)_. But…

"Why?" She blurted out, and James gave her a startled and hurt look. And Lily froze for a bit before shaking her head, and dragging her eyes away from James who kept on breathing as if someone stabbed him _(obviously he cares, he must have seen something. How could you be so insensitive?)_. "I mean… I just… I don't remember… and-"

"I didn't, I mean, I didn't tell you how I got involved. Right?" James asked suddenly shifting his seat, and staring suddenly at Lily who shook her head tightly. Because, if she was honest, she hardly remembered _anything (good job on holding on to your memory, who will believe you if you can barely string the memories together?)_.

"I was in the heads office, just getting some homework done and Mary came in – saying that she left early to get some rest but she needed to quickly fill out an incident report. She finished that and took off and I was waiting for a while for you to come back." James head bobbed a bit and his eyes were back on his shapes and figures and there was a slight quiver. "When you didn't stop by, I thought, I'd go down and see if you needed help. And when I got there… Dumbledore was already there and Slughorn was just… completely _ashen. _And Dumbledore was so… angry, just, furious. He wasn't shouting or yelling but the whole room had a chill and you were lying on the ground passed out-" Here James had to take a gulp of butterbeer and Lily couldn't look at him. It was very _easy _for her to imagine the scene. "And well, I was told to take you to the hospital wing. Told to tell Pompfrey that you probably had some unforgivable curses thrown at you. So, brought you there, stayed by your side as I wrote the incident report and Dumbledore came by a few hours later asking for the report and… that was that." James finished.

Lily fidgeted with her beerbottle, biting down on her lip and turning her head every way because what the fuck was she supposed to say to all that? The fear and anxiety her stomach was only calming down a bit as a new wave of thoughts rattled her brains _(he saw you at your worst, you're weak, he's probably asking why you didn't fight back, why didn't you fight back?)_. "Thank you… by the way. I never said that, did I?" She muttered. Her head was starting to pound louder.

James gave her a smile. "It wasn't… I just wish that I didn't have to do it, I just wish it didn't happen."

And Lily shut her eyes quickly and suddenly realized why she had a headache.

Sometimes, she bottled up her feelings too much. Every fear. Every anxious thought. Every nasty insult that she hurled at herself. She stuffed them away in her mind hoping that they would stay down. But if she was thinking too much and trying to keep all the emotions at bay… well, she cried.

She felt the hot tears stream down her face and she was absolutely mortified and humiliated that James Potter was seeing her like this (he must think she's a fool). She took a shaking breath to open her eyes to find James gone from his seat. She awkwardly turned her head around the exact moment James slid into the same booth as her and wrapped his arms around her _(He's only being nice to you because you're acting so pathetic)._

But for once, she told her demon to shut up as she tried to calm down in James' arms (they were quite nice). He only held her tighter when her breaths were coming in too sharp.

"I'm sorry" Lily murmured and James would shush her quietly and whispered to her that it wasn't her fault. None of it was. It was okay, it was okay and it was going to be _fine. _And for once, Lily's demons were too tired or scared to say anything and the words that James were whispering were reassuring to hear.

* * *

><p>After Lily calmed down (finally) and an aching headache later, the two of them walked back. Lily swayed a bit and sniffled, after the fourth sniffle in the tunnel, James grabbed her hand and rubbed circles with his thumb.<p>

His hands, Lily decided, were also very nice.

"Mind if I stay here for a while?" James asked as they reached the door of the Heads Office. Lily nodded her head as she waved her wand.

Her head was _pounding. _And she could barely separate her thoughts and she could barely stand and she wondered if James could tell.

"Right, I'm going to read a bit on the couch." Lily mumbled, grabbing her book from the desk and plopping on the couch. James settled down at the desk, pulling out books and quills and started flipping through pages. Adjusting her head so that her neck was supported in the right way as her legs lay straight, she tried to get into the rhythm of the words. But as always, she felt the inevitable pull of sleep.

* * *

><p>She felt something soft and heavy fall on her and at once pure panic fills her lungs. She grabbed her wand and pointed it towards where she <em>thought <em>the attack came from. When she open her eyes, she only saw James looking petrified.

"It's okay. It's okay – I just thought a blanket would be nice?" He said uncertainly.

Her eyes stung and her joints ached a bit. But the window outside gave no indication of the time.

"What time?" She mumbled, letting her wand drop and falling back on the pillows.

"It's 3:30. Go to sleep." James whispered and Lily had hardly the energy to be disobedient and forgot at once their short conversation.

* * *

><p>She woke up with a start again. The blanket fell to the floor (where did that come from?) as Lily scrambled into a sitting position on the couch. She quickly looked at the sky outside, a dark blue with some pale pink and purple hues. After staring out at the sky a little too long, Lily realized that she was panting. She took a series of deep breaths as she checked her watch for time – 5:00.<p>

And Lily shut her eyes briefly, _hating _the fact that she woke up _again _in her clothes_. _She couldn't even remember the last time she wore pajamas. This was a special type of self-loathing that accompanied her almost every morning now. Shutting her eyes, she realized just how _raw _they felt. And then she remembered James and crying and a new wave of shame washed over on her.

Scanning around the room, she realized that he had left and something in her heart fell. Did he leave her alone?

The door behind her rattled and she grabbed her wand and pointed it towards the door. It was only when James came humming in and stopped dead upon seeing Lily that she dropped her wand.

"Sorry." She whispered, "What do you have there?" She asked, propping herself up to see James holding a plate and cuddling two mugs to his chest. He blushed a bit as carefully placed down the things on the desk.

"I thought… well, I got done with my essay and I figured I'd come back and bring some breakfast after our victory nap or sleep. Or maybe…" James trialed off and looked at Lily, his eyebrows slightly raised, "We skip today and sleep all day." He said happily and Lily snorted as she rubbed her eyes.

"We have that _stupid _essay due though…"

"Padfoot can pick it up and turn it in for us. Say that we're sick…" James said, walking over to the couch and sitting down. "We can hide all day and take care of ourselves for once." James whispered and Lily gave him a bewildered look.

"You need the sleep." James said sternly and Lily looked down at the blanket guiltily.

James sighed, sensing that Lily wasn't budging for a while. "Okay, well, let's take a nap for an hour and a half… we can decide then." James murmured resting his head back. Lily looked quietly at him and the dark rays outside.

Her heart was pounding but not from the dreams. Instead of curling into a ball into the sofa, she draped her legs over James' lap, his hazel eyes slowly opened at this.

"Do you mind?" Lily asked tentatively _(of course he'd mind, why don't you leave him alone? Can't you take a hint-)._

"No. Not at all. Come here." James whispered, wrapping his arms around her and tugging her closer to him. Lily's head hit his chest and inhaled quickly the mixture of coffee and his cologne. Her eyes slowly closing as his lips pressed at the top of her head.

At this, the demons had nothing to say and Lily felt something stirring deep inside.

* * *

><p>Two and a half hours later, the two of them jostled to a start at the sound of Sirius Black pounding on the door, yelling frantically. Lily was still half asleep when James was disentangling them, and Lily must have said <em>something <em>because she heard James chuckle only to reassure her that he'll be back.

She let her eyes drop as she decided to lay horizontally on the couch. She could hear James' quick steps and the ruffling of papers and the opening of the door. Lily tried to pay attention to their conversations, but only a few words drifted in and out and when it was all done, Lily felt James fall onto the couch again.

"We're sleeping in today." James said, and Lily budged over and thankfully James understood and lay down next to her.

"Okay." Lily whispered back, wrapping her own arms around his neck and tangling their legs. It wasn't long till James' arms were around hers and Lily couldn't remember the last time she felt so safe and content then when she felt James' heart pound and felt his steady breathing next to her own.

* * *

><p>It was two in the afternoon when a quieter knock came to the door. Lily, who opened one eye saw James eyes fluttering slightly open though slowly closing. And she smiled to herself because this time, it was her turn.<p>

"I got it." She whispered to his chest, quickly kissing a spot on his neck (he hardly noticed) as she pushed herself off the couch and smoothed her skirt down.

Perhaps she would have fixed her hair if she had realized that Professor Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall were at the door. Unfortunately, Lily opened the door and nearly fell to the floor when she found the pair.

"Professor McGonagall… I am so sorry for class today… I just fell asleep-"

"As expected. I'm glad you missed class. May we come in?" Professor McGonagall asked politely and Lily shot a look at James who was only pushing himself up to a sitting position.

"We know that James is with you." Professor Dumbledore said quietly and Lily could only hang her head and step back for the Professors to come on in. Lily went to join James on the couch at once (she wasn't even wearing shoes. What must they been thinking?!).

"We thought it would be appropriate to intervene considering the risks you two have been taking." Professor McGonagall said curtly, ignoring the silent gestures that James and Lily made towards the chairs.

"Risks?" James asked quizzically, rubbing his eyes as Lily sat down next to him, pulling her hair into a low bun.

"I received a letter last night from Rosmerta." Professor Dumbledore said quietly. "Saying that our _Head _students were roaming Hogsmeade and there were certain scenes in the Three Broomsticks that made her worried." Lily shut her eyes (well, now Dumbledore knows what a mess you are).

"Unfortunately, this is not the first time that I have received such a letter." And Lily turned to James who only hung his head, ruffling his own hair. Perhaps he had his own secrets.

"We have two Heads who are walking insomniacs. One locks away in the Head Office, hardly engaging in class as she used to and another one who roams the streets of Hogsmeade trying to get into a fight." Professor McGonagall said in a rush and Lily could only feel her cheeks blush.

"We're fired then?" She asked meekly, looking up to see Professor McGonagall's face soften a bit. It was then that the woman took a seat directly across the two heads.

"No. No Miss Evans, we are certainly _not _going to fire you two. We are worried to say the least." She whispered softly, taking in a quick breath and Lily realized that Professor McGonagall had slight tears in her eyes (Shocking that someone cares as much as you considering how pathetic you are).

Professor Dumbledore placed a hand on Professor McGonagall's shoulder. "You two have been through so much at such a young age. Seventeen may make you _feel _invincible, but to us, you're still so young. You no longer act as carefree as you once did, you no longer laugh at the same jokes, and I've seen the both of you more than once act as if you were in a battlefield when you're in a school. For that, I apologize."

And Lily thought it was odd for someone so mighty to apologize to her. "There is nothing to apologize. The boys-"

"Are gone. But there are others. There will be more. I am not saying these things to scare you. But you must choose if you're going to fight or hide away in an office."

"It was only for a day." James mumbled and Lily grinned a bit to herself.

"Take the rest of the day then. If you want to salvage what's left of this world, or of this school even. Come see me in my office tonight at 8 PM. Training starts then."

And with that, Professor Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall left.

"What was that about?" Lily mumbled, leaning her head onto James as he draped an arm around her shoulders.

"Sounds like the rumours are true." James whispered hoarsely and Lily tilted her head up to see James with a grim face. "People keep saying that Professor Dumbledore has an Order… people trying to fight against You-Know-Who. And I think… I think he's just invited us."

Lily snorted. "Why would he want a bunch of raggedy kids to join his fight?"

"Because we're not." James said harshly. And Lily rolled her eyes, a sense of anger welling up inside of her.

"But we _are. _James I could… I could barely stand on my own against those boys-"

"You will next time-"

"I don't _want _a next time!" Lily shouted. "I don't think, I don't think I can handle a 'next time'. I have nothing left to offer-"

"Bullshit, you're at the top of our class-"

"You heard them, I am barely meeting the bare minimum-"

"Understandable after what happened-"

"I am weak. I can't think fast on my feet. I can't do this-"

"With training you will be able to! You'll be able to learn how to _fight _and _defend_ we have been learning theories and a few spells here and there-"

"Yeah, well, I'm sure you and Sirius would have done a heck of a lot better then I would've-"

"Are you serious? You know what keeps me up at night? It's the fact that if I had walked in during the fight that I would have been utterly useless. I fight with pure anger and hatred. I can hardly focus, hell, I would have probably used my fists if I saw them again." And at this, James took a deep breath and took his arm off around Lily. She tried to angle her body to see how he ruffled his hair before setting his hands on his lap and diving in.

"I went into Hogsmeade, trying to _prove _to myself if I got there earlier, if I had intervened… I could have stopped it. I could have saved you or something. The first night I fought, I was stunned within seconds and I had so many cuts and bruises that it took the better part of the night trying to fix them and hide them. And I thought, 'It's an off night, don't be too worried.' But it happened again, and again, until I realized that I needed to learn to focus and to think and not to react to my feelings. Because I will lose every single time. That's what I've been doing in Hogsmeade. I am not as clever or bright when it comes to fighting. But I can get better… we both can."

And Lily nodded her head because she didn't know what else to do. She felt the demons trying to yell at her and tie her down. But there was another voice, a voice of confidence. It was small but Lily was focusing her energy on that one. Because maybe, maybe they all had a point. Maybe Lily will fight. And survive.

* * *

><p>They spent the rest of the day in the dingy office. Talking about what it would mean to join. What it would mean to fight. Fight together as well.<p>

"I get irrational around you." James mumbled and Lily gave him a look. "It's true. I know you can hold your own in arguments… it's one of the things I like about you. But it doesn't mean I don't take _some _pleasure when I trip that Smith kid after he tried to bad mouth you during a meeting."

"Well that's mean."

"It's the truth."

"I don't think I can do this without you." A shaking breath. "It's weird, I feel like I have been asleep this whole time but I knew that you had my back. I knew that you somewhat understood and, and these past few hours have been nice. I like sleeping. I like having someone else to look over and to rejoice with or to have these long conversations. I like it."

And Lily couldn't share the other reason. How she was starting to see herself through James' eyes. Because when he looked at her, there was a sense of happiness and hope and love which cannot be faked or conveyed with words. She was starting to see her wit and intelligence through his eyes, how he read her essay with eyebrows that shot up and a smile on his face when she made a good remark. Or how he eyed her wand with fear the few times she turned it against him. Or how he gently held her during their naps. It was nice to see something good through his eyes. And her own. Even if her demons were still trying to play in her mind.

"Shall we go then? Shall we do this?"

And Lily nodded and grabbed his hand, giving him a kiss on his cheek because she knew that this boy had her heart and she had his. She could trust him to be there at her worse and he could trust her with the same. And even at their weakest, at least they'd have the courage to go on together.

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><p><strong>AN:<strong> Reviews always make my day. And I hope you're having a good one.


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